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Liebes- und Eheleben


Für die Kleinen
Little John came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little John got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So little John ran to his room, stripped down naked and started to touch himself while moaning "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
What is the difference between a lady coming out of a bathroom and a lady coming out of a curch??
The lady from the church has got a soul full of hope and the lady from the bathroom
has got a hole full of soap!
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.
"I only came to feed the alligator."

Q: why don't witches wear underwear?
A: To get a better grip on the broom

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife." No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep Quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
"I have a better idea, " she replied. "Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea! "he exclaimed!
"Good, " she replied... "Get your own f.. blanket. "
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you Use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills, 3 nights in a row, is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor asks "What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody showed up!"

Henry is getting on in years and finds that he has , hmm, a ‘small’ problem. Nothing his doctor prescribes , seems to correct the situation. So the doctor suggests the services of native Indian Medicine Man.
“ Yes , I can help you” the old Medicine Man says , and throws some white powder in a flame that flashes with billowing blue smoke.
“This is a very powerful medicine – you can take it , but only once a year – all you have to say is *one-two-three* , then it will get up and stay for as long as you wish. “
“O.k., but what about when we’re done and I don’t want to continue anymore?”
So the Medicine Man replies softly: ” Then all you or your partner have to say is : *one-two-three-four* , and it will go down again – for an other whole year.”
Henry rushes home. Exited with anticipation , he is ready to surprise Jeannette . He showers, spiffies himself up , and , laying next to Jeannette , calls ‘one-two-three’ .Swoosh .... his manhood is instantly aroused .
Jeannette , who was facing away from him , turns over and asks : “ What did you say one-two-three for?”

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????
OH, Come on...take a guess! Think about it...
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is:
You can't kill two birds with one stone.....

The requirements were Windows 98 or better.. So I installed linux
Linux is like a wigwam, no windows, no gates but apache inside!
In a world without walls and fences, who needs windows and gates?

There once was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight one
He said, "O my love!
It fits like a glove!"
Said she, "You're not in the right one."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you got it again.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.


 Hu's On First

 by James Sherman

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi:    Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi:    Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi:    That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?
Condi:    Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi:    Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi:    Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi:    Hu.
George: The Chinese guy!
Condi:    Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' askin me for?
Condi:    I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi:    That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi:    Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi:    Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? - I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi:    That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi:    Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi:    No, Sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi:    Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi:    No, Sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone...
Condi:   Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi:   You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi:   You don't want Kofi?
George: No. But now that you mention it I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi:   Yes, Sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi:   Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi:   And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi:   Hu is the guy in China.
George:   Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:   Yes, Sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi:   Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Condi (picks up the phone): Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "My God! That's terrible!"

His staff, silenced by this display of emotion, sits nervously
watching as the stunned President stares into the middle distance,
brow furrowed, trying to collect himself.

Finally, the President looks at them anxiously and asks, "How many,
exactly, is a brazillion?"


What's the difference between your job and your wife?

After ten years, your job still sucks.


What´s the difference between American beer and having sex in a boat?

There is no difference: both is fucking near to water

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...


 Abbott and Costello Buy a Computer

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a  proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......







   42 muss kommen!